It’s that time of year when the dreaded “Senioritis” is infecting us one by one. For me, it’s not necessarily because I’ve been accepted to college (trust me, I can’t have my scholarships revoked), but it’s more like an academic slump. I’m not even sure of its catalyst! Honestly, I’m more annoyed at myself; I feel lazy and stupid. Even when I know that my grades aren’t something that defines me or my intelligence, but I have been lacking in the work ethic department.

To recap, I’m Adeline, a senior here at BHS. I think we all know by now that modern life is not necessarily made for a human, but rather for a robot. Wake up, work, rinse, repeat, etc., etc. However, because we are conditioned by the way the world is, we become used to striving to meet these extravagant societal expectations. I’ve been fighting to keep the title of High Honor Roll student since middle school. Whenever my grade reaches below 90, I start to freak out. I know many other students and family members who also think like this. (It’s really fun to compete with a valiant cousin and a mother who went to Bronx Science at its peak.) Whether it be pressure from parents or oneself, succeeding academically is equated with a successful future. For better or for worse, this mindset bleeds into other aspects of life. For me, that’s creatively, artistically, athletically, etc. It has gotten to the point where I don’t care if others find me to be great at my craft. When I don’t meet my expectations, I’m in shambles. When I do, I don’t give it a second thought and move on to the next goal. This has become my norm.

I mentioned in my last column that I’m proud of myself, which I am! But I feel as though I’ve let myself become lazy; I’ve let myself go, and I have let myself down. My grades have severely dropped. Partially, I think it’s something with my classes and curriculum, and maybe even a handful of teachers. I don’t feel like I’m learning, but rather just doing busy work. Which, for many classes, it is. But on the other hand, I think where I’ve focused my energy has also changed. I have ADHD, as many people do, and having that means that I have an interest-based nervous system. My focus is on things that make me very happy. Things like sports or art. My work ethic hasn’t necessarily gone away; it’s just shifted. It’s very easy to equate all my worth and success with my grades, especially when that’s all teenagers have been forced to do our whole lives. It’s easy to forget that success lies in everything we do.

People around me have been committing to colleges. Students I’ve thought of as smart my whole life go to prestigious, hard-to-get-into smart schools. Students who are hard-working and strong are going to rigorous schools, the armed forces, or D1 schools. Creative students go to schools for the arts. This is what kind of really upsets me. I know that going to college is a feat in and of itself, but I feel like maybe I didn’t do well enough if the school that’s best for me is one that isn’t hard enough, one that isn’t an achievement. I’ve gotten into difficult schools; I’ve gotten into art schools, but the school that best suits me and that will give me the experience I want won’t be impressive. Not to my family, peers, or myself. I know that’s not true, but it’s difficult to think otherwise. I don’t know if other seniors relate to this. If they don’t care about other students’ commitments or if they are absolutely fine with their destined college. But I do know that many students and many people have high expectations of themselves. I think senioritis may be beneficial in that regard. To let yourself go after fighting for so long.

There is this up-and-down cycle (in my head, at least) where I can’t tell when my rest is warranted or deserved. I can’t tell if the work I’m doing is just enough or too much. I can’t tell if this is the calm or if this is the storm. Typically, I am very self-aware, but this is my Achilles heel. Hopefully, as the third quarter comes to a close, so will my stress. I’m on the last lap. The finish line is ahead. It’s exciting and scary; I’m so excited to be done, but I’ve been running for so long that I don’t know what else there is for me to do. I think I’ll figure it out when I get there, though. I’ll enjoy the rest of this race with arms open, wind in my hair, sun on my face, and a smile.